“When we feel that we’re choosing our problems, we feel empowered. When we feel that our problems are being forced upon us against our will, we feel victimized and miserable”
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
When we feel victimized and miserable, self-pity creeps in. We believe things are happening to us or in a way we prefer to believe all that could lead us down the self-pity rabbit hole leaving little scope for growth and change of our current state.
So what does Self-pity look like?
Here are a few signs to help you recognize it:
You focus only on what went wrong.
You focus only on what you couldn’t/ can’t control.
You believe that there’s nothing you can do about what happened.
You see yourself as a victim in the whole scenario and/or always.
You reject any external help or advice.
So you see how sneaky self-pity is, hiding behind all of these signs and quietly destroying everything and you always thought you had little control over what’s going wrong or continuing to go wrong.
What to do to prevent self-pity or at the very least control the feeling of self-pity?
From what I understand it is hardly possible to be free of self-pity. On some level having it helps you take care of yourself i.e., not be too hard on yourself.
And the term for healthy levels of it is self-compassion so our aim is not to become hardcore to the point that you need to be reminded to cut yourself some slack.
So then what you should be doing is recognize, control and don’t let it become a habit because then that would be destructive.
How do we do that?
Recognize the signs.
This is the first step to catching yourself when you’re about to go into a downward spiral.
Reframe your mindset- readjust your perception.
As discussed in the last blog post about self-pity, when we bear a victim-mindset, it always sets the stage for self-pity. So actively strive to perceive yourself as NOT a victim but someone who is in control i.e., you can choose how to respond to the situation.
List all that you’re grateful for.
One of the things I’m time and again grateful for is my set of problems. I'm not being delusional saying that. Sometimes, knowing other people’s stories could fill us with gratitude as much as they could fill us with motivation to push through like them. So chances are though our troubles might seem like the end of the world, they are really not something we can’t deal with if we set our mind to it.
Do something. Start somewhere.
While it’s one thing to dwell in the negativity that self-pity creates, it’s a whole other mistake to not do anything about it. The worst thing you can do while feeling sorry for yourself is to not take action. Doing something about it, taking some sort of action, to get out of it and quite possibly towards growth no matter how hard or even impossible it might seem now, is how you begin to change the current state you’re in and build motivation.
Get out of your mind and engage with others. Help someone!
When we are struggling the problem is all we see and that’s how we remain stuck in our own head. That’s the last place you want to be because it’s filled with your perception of your problem, life and everything, a victimised perception, a really negative one. So engaging in something that doesn’t remind you of your problem or helping someone out in some way will help you get an outward focus on life. This is a great way to enable yourself to view your problem from an external and less emotional perspective so you can approach it with control and a rational plan.
Stop complaining.
The more you complain about the problem, your life, the people in it or not in it- the more you are letting the negativity brew, the more you’re stuck in your head that has now become a toxic space. So stop yourself every time you’re about to rant about something or scold someone (once in a while is fine but not when it seems to be turning into a habit) and force yourself to come up with the first step towards dealing with it. You don’t need the whole solution, just imagine in a perfect world (where you still have this problem) with no if and buts, what would you do to work towards solving it or at the very least finding a way to deal with it and then go do it. If you still can’t think of anything then there is probably nothing you can do about it so move on, find a different problem to solve. That’s how life goes on right.
Remind yourself that you’re stronger than the problem (whatever it is).
What I really mean to say here is that you’re stronger than to let the issue takeover the rest of your life and being- be it the worst heartbreak, grief or even a chronic illness you’re fighting. You’re stronger because you have the power to make small yet powerful choices everyday to live through them, while working on yourself and accepting that no matter how ugly a problem, you won’t let it take over the power to write your story.
Lastly, but most importantly, work on building your mental strength.
“Developing mental strength is similar to building physical strength. If you wanted to become physically strong you would need good habits, like lifting weights. You would also need to get rid of bad habits, like eating too many sweets. Developing mental strength also requires you to have good habits—and to give up destructive ones, like self-pity. By developing an increased ability to regulate your thoughts, managing your emotions, and behaving productively despite your circumstances, you will grow stronger and become better.”
- ‘9 Ways to Get Past Self-Pity’ on Psychology Today by Amy Morin, author of ‘13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do’
It pretty much sums up what it means to build mental strength, because the stronger you are mentally, the less the chances that you will let self-pity take over and cripple you from taking action and getting better.
And believe it or not being mentally strong is something that can be practised and worked on. Remember you can be sensitive while having a strong mind.
Conclusion
I hope you understand that self-pity doesn’t always shine as self-obsession in times of crisis. You could be resorting to self-pity knowingly or unknowingly because when a serious crisis hits us we tend to start believing that we are the target, we are wronged, the ‘why me’ kind of questions bombard us and without clear knowledge of what’s going on with us we unconsciously choose to exist in the same state instead of going against the force by believing you have the power to work towards change.
Hard times strip us of our hope and hence our energy and willpower to take responsibility for what will happen after, if not what already happened. So without really actively choosing, we still choose to dwell in self-pity. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about but it’s certainly something you can’t let remain a habit.
Let’s start by making that choice now.
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